Lazarus

I look back on the things that I have done in my life and wonder how bad things really are.  To what magnitude of evil have I committed versus many others and what makes my sins less than those before me?  The pain I have felt is just as real, the potential thrives within us all and that power scares some while it fuels others, and many nights have been spent contemplating which it feeds my soul, the fear or the hate.  While the bible says all sins are equal, there is still unforgivable trespasses and some that do in fact carry more weight than others.  Here we are dancing in circles for the truth, trying to reveal it or sitting back and watching, waiting for it to reveal itself.  What is the right path to journey, patience or ambition? Submission or dominance, sedentary or adventurous?  What antonyms shall we use as synonyms to our contradictions in life?  A wanderer's mind shall wonder.

So maybe what I have done in the past isn't near as bad as others, nor as good as some, these are blessing in life we never seem to count.  We look at ourselves and take pity on those experiencing the same shit in a different form to make ourselves feel better for the wrong we have done.  No matter how much I have told myself I have faced my demons that linger behind me as I move forward in life, the reality is I am too focused on pushing forward I haven't looked back.  Truth be told, this only feeds my evil followers because they will never go away even if I turn and face them.  They will always linger and be there to haunt me, but the strength I am given as I march forward to shield myself is impeccable, as it drains theirs and empowers mine when I pay them no mind.  And while they may stack in numbers as life goes on, the potency of evil in them dwindles even though it seems strength in numbers is apparent when the next challenge is staring me head on.  Even when I'm being pulled down into the next hole by a dozen pairs of soul tearing hands and I'm pushing forward with my last bit of strength but I still manage to fall and hit rock bottom, once I am there they think they have one and loosen their grasp.  This is when I am finally free and can summon the courage to turn and face them and devour more of the power used to hold me back.  In this I face the things that scare me most when I cannot physically turn and keep running forward because I am encased by circular walls with no escape.  A scary place to be but is salvation in and of itself.

I have loved, hated, betrayed and been betrayed; broken down to the most smallest shard of a shattered being anyone who has even felt pain can empathize with. I have hurt and belittled, committed crimes and got off on the suffering I have caused by my own hands.  I have lied, cheated, stolen and broke down loved ones to the same level as I once was.  I have been a drug addict, an alcoholic, a sexual deviant as common in our modern world.  I remember every heart I ever broke, each person I let down, all the failures and mistakes I repeatedly make down to the last "thank you" I was too selfish to say or "I love you" I never said to those who didn't live long enough to hear.  I have been the victim just as often as I have been the perpetrator.  I am a being designed to hate, a person crafted to love, an image made for good, an influence to evil in the world.

I want to believe I am a good person.  People always say that I am a wonderful person, very loving, very sweet, too kind.  My heart has always been my best quality and my worst fault.  The greatest strength and my weakest link.  I look in the mirror and I don't know who I even am or who I want to be for that matter.  As a human being all I can see is what I've done and who I was in a negative way, regardless of the people around me trying to lift me up to see what they say is the truth.  But then this brings us back around to the beginning of my thoughts, what is the truth? Where do we find it and how?  How can an opinion be one man's truth?  Seems I'm dancing in circles with you, my friend.