Lazarus

I look back on the things that I have done in my life and wonder how bad things really are.  To what magnitude of evil have I committed versus many others and what makes my sins less than those before me?  The pain I have felt is just as real, the potential thrives within us all and that power scares some while it fuels others, and many nights have been spent contemplating which it feeds my soul, the fear or the hate.  While the bible says all sins are equal, there is still unforgivable trespasses and some that do in fact carry more weight than others.  Here we are dancing in circles for the truth, trying to reveal it or sitting back and watching, waiting for it to reveal itself.  What is the right path to journey, patience or ambition? Submission or dominance, sedentary or adventurous?  What antonyms shall we use as synonyms to our contradictions in life?  A wanderer's mind shall wonder.

So maybe what I have done in the past isn't near as bad as others, nor as good as some, these are blessing in life we never seem to count.  We look at ourselves and take pity on those experiencing the same shit in a different form to make ourselves feel better for the wrong we have done.  No matter how much I have told myself I have faced my demons that linger behind me as I move forward in life, the reality is I am too focused on pushing forward I haven't looked back.  Truth be told, this only feeds my evil followers because they will never go away even if I turn and face them.  They will always linger and be there to haunt me, but the strength I am given as I march forward to shield myself is impeccable, as it drains theirs and empowers mine when I pay them no mind.  And while they may stack in numbers as life goes on, the potency of evil in them dwindles even though it seems strength in numbers is apparent when the next challenge is staring me head on.  Even when I'm being pulled down into the next hole by a dozen pairs of soul tearing hands and I'm pushing forward with my last bit of strength but I still manage to fall and hit rock bottom, once I am there they think they have one and loosen their grasp.  This is when I am finally free and can summon the courage to turn and face them and devour more of the power used to hold me back.  In this I face the things that scare me most when I cannot physically turn and keep running forward because I am encased by circular walls with no escape.  A scary place to be but is salvation in and of itself.

I have loved, hated, betrayed and been betrayed; broken down to the most smallest shard of a shattered being anyone who has even felt pain can empathize with. I have hurt and belittled, committed crimes and got off on the suffering I have caused by my own hands.  I have lied, cheated, stolen and broke down loved ones to the same level as I once was.  I have been a drug addict, an alcoholic, a sexual deviant as common in our modern world.  I remember every heart I ever broke, each person I let down, all the failures and mistakes I repeatedly make down to the last "thank you" I was too selfish to say or "I love you" I never said to those who didn't live long enough to hear.  I have been the victim just as often as I have been the perpetrator.  I am a being designed to hate, a person crafted to love, an image made for good, an influence to evil in the world.

I want to believe I am a good person.  People always say that I am a wonderful person, very loving, very sweet, too kind.  My heart has always been my best quality and my worst fault.  The greatest strength and my weakest link.  I look in the mirror and I don't know who I even am or who I want to be for that matter.  As a human being all I can see is what I've done and who I was in a negative way, regardless of the people around me trying to lift me up to see what they say is the truth.  But then this brings us back around to the beginning of my thoughts, what is the truth? Where do we find it and how?  How can an opinion be one man's truth?  Seems I'm dancing in circles with you, my friend.

Thoughts From The Past

My 32 word long title of a ranting after the worst and hardest break up of my life...
Lust shone bright in my eyes,
But I was blinded by love,
Sadly, though, the equation wasn't right,
The math didn't add up,
And soon enough tragedy struck.
I fell to my knees,
Shattered like a mirror into thousands of pieces,
Cold, numb and unable to breathe,
What is happening?
What is becoming of me?
Then there was pain,
A pain so piercing I began clawing at my chest to extinguish the cause,
That's when I heard the pain called by name.
The name was repeated over and over again,
Each time was as breath taking as watching swords thrust into a box with the magician inside.
Only my breath escaped me from the pain of feeling those swords go deep inside my chest,
My heart...
For only a moment I let down my guard,
And withing seconds my world was savagely ripped apart.
I sat baffled in a daze.
All the memories passed before my eyes and became a haze.
I was played like an instrument,
Paraded around like a show animal,
And strung like a puppet,
Following the puppeteer's lead,
Under control and will of the master.
"This is quite a disaster..."
As the time went by,
Something was decaying inside,
Until one day it finally withered away and died,
I became consumed with rage,
With hate.
I stood up from my knees,
Defying the gravity of misery with a new found strength. I was once again able to stand with a grin, mocking her, eager to touch the lips of vengeance and taste festering revenge and the blooming ego flowering into sweet pride. Seeing the same pain in her eyes as the feeble attempts of making jealousy arouse in me failed kept my head held high. She could no longer hurt me, I'm cold and made of cast iron inside, glowing red on the out, and now I could hurt her more easily than she did me.
My anger and hatred had escaped their cage,
Fused together to make one uncontrollable rage,
Which flared about for months at the mention of her name,
Or any memory that dared resurface.
The dark beast brewing inside, howling, growling, had been set free,
Loose to prowl,
A monster was born,
And that monster was me.

Anatomic

My new muse for you -smirk-



There is a fine silk touch to your skin, very soft and smooth. When I touch you a cool draft flows through my veins like purified air through aged vents covered in iron oxides. An electric current circuits through me when we embrace, bringing me back to like with a sensual jolt of rejuvenation in the same breath which made my heart stop. You are my pacemaker and without you there is no chance of life pulsing through me. I just become a structured set of bones protecting organs, encased by tissue and cells to form what used to be a thick and impenetrable skin. Because of you every fiber of my being thrives, from my heart beating for you, brain hungry for conversation, arms twitching for a hug, shoulders standing strong to be broken down on, ears so patiently waiting to listen, lips so soft and plump, eyes pouring all my secrets to you, genitalia warm and moist, curling toes, neck with your lingering scent, to the head over heels. You arouse a turning in my loins and replace my blood with ecstasy so you can watch me move to your masterpiece of a body when we lay together. You lay me down with such a loving intimacy that the hairs on my body rise and become fully erect and aware of your ambience. My body trembles with fear, desire, wonder and overwhelming love for the woman who has saved me and has the potential energy to destroy planets. My body, so frail and so strong, will quiver and shake under yours in the same moment you tremble and shiver while in my tight grasp. In every way we defy the laws science, in every way you complete my anatomy.

A Beautiful Relationship

The Mistress and The Little One

Lost, tender, delicate is her soul.
Commanding, strong, powerful and bold,
A master awaits either slave or pet,
Not caring which she gets,
For she can and will get whatever she wants.
A mistress so loving, so eloquent,
Scooped up the fragile little one,
Her eyes exquisite and radiating her benevolence,
Tears filled the little one’s eyes,
Never had she seen such beauty in her life,
And the little one’s eyes gleamed,
She smiled teeth and fangs so bright,
She was in love with the mistress,
And the mistress adored the little one,
Taking her in without a moments hesitation,
Claiming her as hers and hers only,
The mistress’ little pet.

A New Found Love (pt 1)

A bound pet, a controlling master,
A grace that saved her from self disaster,
The bond was formed instantly,
Her pet so eager to please,
This mistress a master at dominating her broken toy,
Yet the gentle soul loves it while hating to submit,
It brings her pleasure and joy,
More than she would like to admit.
Days go by and the connection grows,
Feelings developing into something unknown,
A master and her pet…

The Master and The Pet

Leash and collar,
Hand in hand,
In a cage she sleeps,
But beside her master she stands,
Showered with love, affection, neglect and punishments,
A pleasurable torment…
All control she surrendered gladly,
Following orders and obeying them happily,
The master walks her pet down the street,
Trotting gaily, so very eager to please.
“My Master…” she will say,
“Yes, my little one?” her master replies,
But she can say no more,
She holds back tears from her eyes,
“I love you,” she wants to tell her master,
As she dreams of a life with her,
A “happily ever-after.”

The master stares down at her pet,
Stroking her hair, admiring every part of her body,
Throat and lips especially,
And she merely smiles,
Knowing all of it is hers,
“All mine…” she murmurs with such confidence and pride.
Now, a new found love is born.

A New Found Love (pt 2)

“What is this feeling? Why do I feel this way?”
Thoughts echoing through her mind,
She wants to understand why,
Knowing that since day one her devoted pet has not only loved her,
But been in love with her,
And every day she is reminded of this by the pet’s actions and words,
But now she has these feelings, too?
Then after a while of thinking about,
She realized she didn’t care,
She loved her pet many ways,
And thus decided to explore.

My PWI Character Fanfic

Barbarian vs. Tideborn Assassin:  Sage vs. Demon

Mukkuru_Ouji
Protagonist

Class: Tiger Barbarian

Name:  Mukkuru Ichirou Mamoru meaning “First son” and “Protector.”  The royal family of the untamed, the Mamoru family, are a clan of warriors.  With their royalty, they also take an oath to protect their people at all cost.

Age:  Believed to be middle aged, possibly mid-30s - mid-40s range.

Marital Status:  Engaged; divorced once in game.  Story line just packs up and leaves wife, never officially divorcing her.

Children:  None

Relatives:  Suspected brothers (two) and a sister, brother closest in age and sister with children.

Monologue:

I was born a warrior; bred for war, designed to kill, sworn to protect my people against all that threaten them.  The blood that pulses through my body is not only that of a soldier, but of a son, brother, husband, prince…of nobility…of a killer.  Even though my life is constantly on the line by my status and my occupation as the second in command next to my father, the king, of our army, my life is the most wished for and envied in the land.  I have a beautiful, faithful wife, riches, loyalty, land, power and an unbreakable brotherhood.  But with such envy comes destruction.  I fear my two younger brothers envy my right to heir of the throne so much they will both stop at nothing to over throw me.  I have always been much stronger, smarter and wiser than my brothers and I wish not to kill them to defend my own life.  And as I have a beautiful wife who is faithful to me, I have no feelings for her and do not wish to be in the matrimony any longer.  War is becoming too frequent as of late.  I fear father is becoming corrupt and senile as he ages, or out of control with power hunger.  I cannot be a part of this family any longer.  Our purpose and soul meaning in life is lost.  My brothers can fight each other for the throne, my wife return to her beloved, and my father fall from grace in his next invasion.  On this day, I begin a new journey—I will set out on foot and start a new life from the bottom of the totem pole.  I will kill no more.

 

Leviath
Antagonist

Class: Tideborn Assassin

Name: Leviath, shortened for Leviathan whom he is a direct descendant of.  Full name unknown.

Age: Unknown.

Marital Status: Widower; married but wife is deceased.

Children: 10 year old son (deceased), 5 year old daughter (deceased).

Relatives: Unknown but believed to be an only child.

Monologue:

(Heavy breathing) Why…is this…happening? Where did I go wrong? (Coughing up blood) I couldn’t change it…(Spits up more blood) I couldn’t cha—(Falls to the ground) I deserve to die…I deserve to burn with the damned creature whose blood courses through my veins(Takes slow breaths, slowly gasping for air) No punishment is severe enough for my sins…I must…I…deserve…

 

Dead Memories

Falling from the stars, I lost my grace.
Splitting from the seams, I'm ripped apart.
Shooting for the moon, I'm lost in space.
Love was never supposed to hurt, but now I live with dead memories in my heart.

The love I gave was all in vain.
To you is this just a game?
I'm hearing voices inside my head,
The voices that scream from the dead,
The dead memories.

Leaping from the trees, I fell down.
From the highest tower, to the ground.
The sheet of glass is black, black as night.
Cold and thick, so very nice.
None of this was supposed to ever hurt, but the hurting come from the dead memories in my heart.
And that ice will shatter our lives.

The love I gave was all in vain.
To you is this just a game?
I'm hearing voices inside my head,
The voices that scream from the dead,
The dead memories.

Does this make me cold? Heartless? A bitch? What does this make me? Who does this make me? Should I feel angry, or should I feel sorrow. The best thing that's happened to me since Mops and Pops, seems to be turning out to being the biggest heartache in my life so far. I'm not completely back together since the last, I certainly don't need this now. So what did I ever do to deserve this? How did I get into this mess? More importantly, how do I get out of it? Do I let go, keep walking and never turn back? Or do I stay and fight, and work out things that may or may not ever be right? Did you ever even care at all? Or was I just some play thing you used for your own satisfaction? In the great words of Captain Jack Sparrow, "Why are these things never clear?"

But alas, now that that is all out of the way, I'm ready to move past this.  I'm ready to work this out, find a solution and keep pushing forward.  I'm not so shallow of a person I just bitch and rant all the time, though no one ever sticks around long enough to see otherwise.  Do you take me for such a shallow person?  Really?  As much as you know about me (though I will admit, is still very little)? I can't do this on my own, I need your help, but that is only if you are willing to help yourself, too.

Thoughts From The Heart, For The One I Love

Prelude

Cold and clammy voices plague the flooded head,
Warm and rigidness rot the gentle hands,
For blood that flows so sweetly,
Temptation shall be denied,
One will only return smiling weakly.
Savior the days left,
Until all will be left for dead,
Memories of this righteous empire will fade,
The foundations of future will crumble,
No soul will be spared or saved,
No man will ever feel humble,
And this tingle of happiness will evade…

Apples to Apples, Lust to Love

Deader than a door nail,
Stiff as a board,
Lighter than a feather,
That is all, and nothing more.

Our bodies will perish,
Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
Apples to apples,
The cycle repeats itself, thus.

Love will prevail,
Over all and forever more,
Our souls are tethered,
Our hearts are spoken for.

Lust to love,
Temptation to redemption,
Purity and the condemned,
All judged from above,
All created from below.

Who judges our bond but ourselves?
Why question our love?
What severs our trust?
How did we lose faith?
When will we realize the truth…

 

Purity vs. Sincerity

My Sweet Mistress,

There is no other way to express how I feel to you on this day, so far far away, except through paper and ink.  I’ve been gone for too long and I am afraid you have gotten to know a very rotten side of me, one so impure and naïve.  For this, I ask your gracious forgiveness.  When we are once again reunited, I pray you will see the repentance in my heart and the freshly purged soul in my body that symbolizes my willingness to make things right.  I wish to live by a better sense of honor, treat you with the loving respect you very much deserve, and once again try to make our love spin in the upwards, intertwining with one another.  Two bonded atoms sharing electrons as we share our hearts.  I wish every night and day for you to realize what I have come to, and that you will be eagerly waiting for me upon our return to each other, just as I will be eagerly awaiting you with arms wide open and welcoming.  I will always be here for you, no matter distance or time between us, and I will forever love you.

Your loving and faithful servant,

…I will always love you.